Parsimony: A Dating Theory.

In college biology we learned about the theory of parsimony to create phylogenies. For those who are unaware, a phylogenic tree is a diagram that shows the evolutionary relationships of species based on similar characteristics and/or genes that have most likely been passed on to numerous creatures from one common ancestor. (I promise you, this is unimportant to my dating theory, but I wanted to offer up a little background information..) While creating said phylogenies, we were taught about parsimony, which is the method to best calculate these diagrams. "Under parsimony, the preferred phylogenic tree is the tree that requires the least evolutionary change to explain some observed data." (Thank you, wikipedia) So birds don't start out with scales and then get wings and then lose their wings and grow fur and then grow wings and feathers again... The evolution into becoming a bird was most likely a gradual drift into the creatures they are now... whomp whomp whomp. In basic terms, parsimony means that the simplest explanation is most likely the best explanation. It is this basic definition that I like to put into play when dating.

There are a lot of ladies out there (and gentlemen, too) who like to make excuses for the people that they date to try and better justify why said person did or said the things they did. "Oh, he didn't mean to sleep with that girl.. He was really drunk and I have just been too busy to give him what he needs...  I can forgive him." "Even though she hasn't called me in 3 weeks or answered any of my texts or emails, I think I can still win her over. I mean, we really had chemistry.." Ok...... First off, if you're with the right person dating should be easy and fun, especially during the honeymoon stage. Secondly, listen to what you're saying. I find that many people want to overanalyze their dating situation to try and spin the story where their partner is still a good person and still wants to be with them. Insert parsimony here. Stop making excuses and break the situation down into the simplest possible explanation since this is most likely the most correct explanation. If someone truly wants to be with you, they will make every attempt to see you and will want to make you happy. Period. If someone isn't too sure, then they will probably flake out and make a ton of excuses. That's it, folks. Figuring people out it easy. Makes time for you = likes you. Makes excuses = doesn't. The simpiest explanation is the best explanation. That's dating parsimony. 

Now for a little practice.  

EXHIBIT A: Susie and Ben have just started dating. They are nothing official yet, but have already slept together and have hung out numerous times. It's Ben's birthday and he invites Susie to hang out with him since he doesn't have any solid plans. Susie has told Ben that she is free that day, but she is not sure if she can make it over on his birthday since Ben lives 40 minutes away. Susie never comes over, but sends a text the next day stating that she was really sorry and thought about coming, but decided to go to a movie with her neighbor instead. 

Why would Susie do this to Ben?

A) They are newly dating, so Susie is not required to hang out with Ben on his birthday. How can he expect her to drive 40 minutes to see him? That's selfish of Ben to expect that from her. 

B) I am sure Susie really wanted to go. I mean, they are sleeping together so she must really like him. I'm sure her car must have broken down or something. Ben should forgive her and continue to date her since she seems like a really nice person and she has great legs. 

C) Susie doesn't care enough for Ben to be there for him on a moderately important day. Although they may have a good time together and Ben may really like Susie, Susie is not showing signs of wanting to be in a relationship with Ben. Ben should recognize that Susie is making excuses and, although some excuses are legit, if she continues to flake out, he should probably break things off with her since it is going nowhere. 

ANSWER: C. Sorry, Ben. She is probably "just not that into you." Good thing you found out early and saved yourself months of agony and disappointment. There are women out there who can be fun AND supportive. Send Susie packing and move on. 

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Come on, Dani. You're being ridiculous. No one is going to be perfect and sometimes people make mistakes." To that I will say, you are absolutely correct. Sometimes people genuinely do want to be there for you, but situations in life prevent them from doing so. These are the exceptions, not the rule. If a person is constantly letting you down, making you feel bad about yourself, and making excuses, then there's your answer. I will never understand why some of my friends suffer through miserable relationships just because they have "history" and think things will get better. If you've been with the person for 2 years and things are still only sub-par, what makes you think they are miraculously going to change for the better? Maybe I'm too harsh, but I don't like to have massive amounts of drama with the people at date. Many of the nurses and surgeons on my hospital unit joke that I cannot stay with anyone for longer than a week. I have no shame in this. If you can already see the writing on the wall, why would anyone want to keep dating someone who isn't right for them? I don't get it. I know what it feels like to have someone truly care for me and I think everyone should refuse to settle for anything less than that. I once had a guy court me from hundreds of miles across the country. He found ways to support me during major events and would even surprise me by sending flowers to my unit. From many states away, this man was more supportive and caring than anyone I have dated in town. This just goes to prove the dating theory of parsimony since this man never let distance be an excuse. He liked me, so he found ways to be there for me. Period. There are good people out there who will like you for who you are and will want to be there for you. You just have to be patient.

DATING PHYLOGENY:
not as easy to create as I thought it would be... and not really a phylogeny at all, but humor me on this one...