Maybe You Should Leave the Pregnant Suit at Home.

This morning, while cleaning out the contents of my car from the previous evening, two things became very clear: first, I shouldn't have left my dirty buffalo chicken dip pan in my car overnight and second, I am the most retarded person, ever.

Every now and then I come up with some grand idea that inevitably turns out to be an awful idea in the sober light of day. As I collected the pieces of the pregnant suit that I had worn just hours prior, it dawned on me that I actually wore this out in public. Now, this is not the first time I have sabotaged my lady-like public image and I'm sure it will not be the last, but regardless, it never gets less embarrassing.

Back in college, my girlfriend and I came up with this brilliant plan to dress up as Sonny and Cher for Halloween. As you are fully aware, Halloween is the national holiday where you can dress like a hussy and not be judged for it. Women prepare weeks to months in advance by hitting up the gym to get their abs and ass perfect for their naughty nurse, naughty schoolgirl, and naughty bunny costumes. My girlfriend and I are not "those girls", so we opt for the more humorous costume option. She is taller than I am so naturally she dressed up as Cher. Meanwhile, I was excited to get to adorn a thick black mustache and embrace my masculine side as Sonny. We decide that this is the best costume idea in the world. We have never been more wrong.

Out in public the liquid courage brought on by our pre-gaming slowly begins to fade as we wander through the sea of scantily clad and fabulous-looking women. These ladies are looking their best and we are beginning to question our costume choice. We get to the party and it becomes obvious: we are not going to get any ass tonight. The dudes in the room suspiciously eye us over their red solo cups and continue to chat with the cleavage that has their attention. My girlfriend looks like a drag queen and I am wearing a mustache. This costume plan was not very well thought out.

As if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I decided to make a repeat performance of "world's most unflattering and unseductive outfits" this past weekend when I decided to bust out a pregnant belly to a themed party. Now, in my defense, the theme was "white trash", so I figured the belly would make for the perfect outfit. I gather up a small pillow and a bejeweled jean jacket from Goodwill and decide to create a masterpiece of a costume. I mold the pillow into the perfect belly with duct tape and rip the sleeves off of the bejeweled jean jacket. One of my best friends and wingwoman, Raleigh, helped me strap on a large padded bra over my existing bra to finish the homemade preggo belly suit. I add a wifebeater and thick blue eyeshadow to complete the look and am about ready to start braiding my hair into cornrows when Raleigh (who is wearing jean shorts and a normal t-shirt) informs me that I have already gone far enough. "You're right. I should probably maintain some piece of normalcy." I pull my buffalo chicken dip out of the oven, hobble my newly girthy body to the car, and we are off.

Even arriving 45 minutes after the party start time, we are still the first guests there. This is embarrassing. We rock it out, pour ourselves a drink and enjoy the warm weather and far-too-neatly-landscaped-for-a-man's-party yard. As others slowly begin to trickle in, I have a flashback to Halloween and realize that I, once again, have completely taken the costume theme too far. Clearly, I did not get the memo that it was a "sexy white trash party". Feeling inadequate, I begin to drink more. All of the entering ladies display large, elevated breasts under cute tanks, cute jean shorts and skirts, and trucker hats. Dani, you are an idiot. Determined to swallow my pride and embrace the belly, my friend and I chat it up with the ladies and get social, as we typically do at such functions. I am not sure if it was the weather, my slight feeling of unsexiness, or the fact that I had only eaten half a cheeseburger that day, but I soon realize that I am drunk. Very drunk. It is at this time of realization that Raleigh, equally drunk, rushes across the yard with a sense of urgency. Upset by an issue unrelated to the party,  she grabs my arm and states, "We're leaving. Now." I do not hesitate, as I have embarrassed myself enough for one event, and we venture off to Broad Ripple, belly and all, to meet up with friends.

The events that took place after this are unimportant, but the night ends with me walking a mile in the dark from the bars and back to the scene of the party where my car is still parked. At this point I have drank nothing but water for the past few hours and am sober enough to, both, drive and realize that I once again have most likely made an ass of myself by wearing a costume that should have just stayed in the closet. Note to self: men do not find lady mustaches or pregnant bellies attractive. One of these days I will learn.. either that, or I will find someone who has no shame in rocking out an equally embarrassing costume. Either way, my pride and I should probably avoid themed parties for a while.

While driving home and feeling dumb, I replay the evening's events to my sister on the phone. "Lindsey, I f'ing wore a pregnant belly." After her laugher ceased she informs me, "Sissy, you are the most retarded person that I know. I love you." At the very least, the stories resulting from my shame, awkwardness, and poor decisions are typically mildly entertaining to the general public. Although it made for a funny story, next time I think I will leave the pregnant belly at home.

My grandma has taught me well how to edit photos.. She covers the faces of all of our ex's with question mark stickers so she can still keep the photos on the fridge even when things go sour.. Classy photo editing is in my genes.. (this was edited for privacy reasons only..)

Such a lady..... Ugh. I promise I am not 18 and posing with booze for kicks.. 

And it now becomes clear why no men were going to ask for our numbers that fateful Halloween night... (circa 2007) 

My friend made this for me since everyone kept thinking I was dressed as Borat..