Warning: Deep Thoughts.

My brain never seems to shut off and is constantly trying to figure out people, situations, and life in general. One observation that never seems to fail me, is that people do not change. They just don't. True, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, but this is not change, this is growth. There is a difference. Change is when you start out as one thing and become another, whereas, growth is the evolution or discovery of what has always been there all along. I do not believe people change, but I DO believe that everyone shows their true colors over time. (Whether good or bad, you can't hide yourself forever!)

People are constantly providing clues about themselves, but oftentimes we overlook these clues because we want to see this person in a better light. We want to view this person as we would LIKE them to be and fail to see them for what they actually ARE. Since each of us come from different backgrounds, life experiences, traumas, etc.. our view of the world around us is unconsciously filtered through this biased mess of experience. I may view a certain person very differently than one of my friends. This is because our life experiences are vastly different and therefore how could we possibly view one thing the exact same way? Since no one views anything the same, no one person is adored by all or hated by all and this is a beautiful thing. (Can you imagine if everyone had the same "type" when dating? Those who did not fit that "type" would be screwed..) We are drawn to those with similar world views and personality traits and we enjoy our friends because of this similarity. I am a sarcastic person by nature so am drawn to those who are also fluent in sarcasm. People who do not understand sarcasm tend not to like me. There is nothing wrong with either, we're just different and probably will not understand each other very well. There is no right and wrong, just different.

I believe one of the key components to true contentment is viewing things exactly as they are, without judgement, bias, or emotions. This concept is ridiculously hard to put into practice because it is hard to separate true facts without those three components creeping in. The best way I can explain this is to dissect a relationship from my past (sorry, ex.. I'm throwing you out there..), as it was only after we broke up that I realized he had never "changed" at all, he had always been the same, I had just been viewing him the wrong way and had failed to see him for what he had been all along.

For a long time, after my last relationship, I was hurt and confused over what had happened and where things went wrong. I thought I had met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and various family members, including my mother, had told me "Dani, he's 'the one.'" I was on cloud nine with Ex (we'll just call him Ex.. no need to drop names) and often found myself thinking "I don't know how it gets any better than this". Ex made me a ridiculously happy person and I could not see myself being with anyone else. After a fun-filled year of dating, we began to talk about "getting serious". The first time he mentioned getting married, I was so happy and excited I thought I was going to explode. I could not wait to become Mrs. Ex. During year two of our relationship things started to change. I don't know if it was him or me, but things just weren't as easy as they had been before. We began to fight a lot and things he would say just weren't adding up. Regardless of the tension, we still moved in together. A month later, after various events that I will not dive into, I said "enough is enough" and kicked him to the curb. He moved his things out while I was at work and took many things that did not even belong to him. (yes, I am still a little bitter.. who takes someones iced tea maker and the first CHRISTMAS PRESENT they gave to their girlfriend?! Seriously? I want my wii fit back.. it was a GIFTTTT!!!) Two weeks after our break up, I ran into him and his new* vagina at a bar during New Years Eve. Happy New Year to me! And that pretty much sums that up..
(*let's be honest, she wasn't new.. she was the vagina he was using while he was still dating me.. awesome.)

Ok, I am not placing blame in our relationship, but there were definitely some red flags and personality traits that I overlooked because my silly "I really like you" emotions got in the way. I had always told myself I would never date a guy who was a smoker or had a history of cheating, but having a crush on someone will make you do stupid things. Looking back, he possessed very few qualities that I would actually like in a partner, so it is no surprise to me that things ended the way they did.

He was a smoker and when we first met I told him I would never date someone that smokes. That day, he told me he would quit and I told him "bullshit". However, he stopped smoking around me, so I assumed he was true to his word and had quit. (HA! Silly, naive Dani..) One day, after about a year of dating, we were lying in bed and I said, "I never told you how much it meant to me that you actually quit smoking. Thank you." He looked at me and replied, "I have been meaning to talk to you about that. I am officially a non-smoker!" I expected him to tell me it had been a year, or at least six months... NOPE! "I haven't smoked at work for TWO DAYS!" I gave him the look of death, rolled over, and replied, "Ex, I haven't eaten meat for two days, but I do not consider myself a vegetarian."

The second big red flag that I overlooked was the fact that Ex had a girlfriend when we met. I was aware of this, but he told me they were in the process of breaking up so, I believed him and we continued to hang out. As it turns out, they were NOT in the process of breaking up... AND his girlfriend was currently mad at him because she found out he was cheating on her with another girl. A girl who was NOT me. So, unknowingly, I was the OTHER other woman in his life.... Why did I continue to date him, again? Oh yeah.. stupid emotions. (smashes hand onto forehead...)

Honestly, I am not going to go on, because you already know too much. The point is, Ex never changed. People do not change. Although our relationship went sour, he was always the same person. When I first met him he SHOWED me he was a cheater, a liar, and a smoker, but I wanted to believe that things would be DIFFERENT with me. Had I accepted these facts for what they actually were, without emotions, we never would have dated. But, when we met, I saw him as I WANTED to see him and not for what he actually WAS. He never changed. He was always a cheater, a liar, and a smoker. I just failed to accept these as truths. Am I to blame? No. He is who he is and I am who I am. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we are just different and want different things. I want to be with a non-smoker who doesn't lie or cheat. I have no idea what it is that he wants..

I do not regret dating Ex or anyone from my past.  Ex provided me with joy and love when our relationship was good and knowledge and growth after we broke up. I am wiser for having dated him and our break up actually made me a better person in many ways. To find contentment, it is essential that you see things exactly as they are and not as you would like them to be. Once you can see and accept people for what they truly are, then you can decide whether or not they are someone you would like to keep in your life or someone you need to let go.