Facebook "No-Nos"

I love people. I find them very amusing. The funny thing about people is that we loooooove to talk about ourselves. We just do. For some reason it's part of who we are and nothing makes us more excited than talking to others about ourselves. With the advent of social networking sites, we are now able to talk about ourselves 24/7, even when no one is listening. With the update of a status, the tweet of a twitter, or the post of a picture, we can tell everyone what we are doing, at the very moment we are doing it, without ever saying one audible word. 

Now, I respect everyones right to free speech, but there are some people out there who completely abuse this privilege. Perhaps they do not realize how they come across or perhaps they do not care. Regardless, these following Facebookers need to be called out on their ways and probably need an intervention. So, without further ado, here is my current list of "Facebook No-Nos". 

The Kim Kardashian Relationship Status-er

This Facebooker's relationships seem to hold about as much merit as a K.Kard. wedding vow. They are constantly  in and out of "Facebook official" relationships within days to weeks, so you are never really sure what is going on with their dating life. These Facebookers are often times high schoolers or college kids, but are not completely limited to those age groups. To avoid mistakenly becoming one of these offenders, I have provided you with a little rhyme: "when your relationship status is in doubt, it is best to wait it out". 

The TMI-er

This Facebooker has no personal boundaries and no hesitation when it comes to posting anything and everything about themselves. They are quick to post statuses about their sinus drainage, tell you about the great poop they just had, and post pictures of their ever-worsening foot fungus. I find that new mothers and their lochia also tend to fall into this category. By all accounts, this offender is a Facebooker free spirit and the "honey badger" of the bunch. They don't care if you care about their foot fungus or not. They are going to post it anyways. It is best not to follow this offender too closely if you have a weak stomach or if you are not comfortable reading about the bodily functions of your coworker/crush/acquaintance in great detail. Sometimes less is more.

The Informant (AKA- Instastatuser) 

Perhaps they suffer from delusions of grandeur or perhaps they just have tourettes-like compulsions to post. This Facebooker is constantly updating their status to reflect exactly what they are doing every hour of every day. Their facebook page often looks something like this:

9:43am - So tired. At Starbucks grabbing coffee!

10:05am - OMG. I HHHHAATTEEE TRAFFIC!

11:34am - Boring day at the office... 

11:48am - Stubbed my toe earlier.. It still hurts sooo baddd

12:02pm - Someone ordered pizza!! Yay!!!

1:59pm - Who wants to grab drinks with me later?

They status themselves to the point that even if you did want to grab drinks with them later, you are too annoyed to even respond to their post. These are the Facebookers who "cry wolf" as they cloud your newsfeed with useless updates until you don't even care to read the ones that might be interesting or funny. 

(Sidenote: to avoid the embarrassment of having unflattering pictures of you posted, it is best to avoid drunken nights out with this friend and their instant-photo-posting iphone ways..)

The Catfish

Much like the MTV series, these Facebookers are not exactly who their profile makes them out to be. Since I do not accept friend requests from anyone I do not know, I do not have too much experience with this type of Facebooker. However, I do have one high school-aged relative who falls into this category. In an attempt to not be themselves, The Catfish make their profiles out to be someone else. In the case of my relative, the photos are accurate, but the information is definitely false. Dear 15-year-old relative, I know you and I am related to you. I am fully aware that you are not a 28-year-old college graduate. And no, you absolutely did NOT need to use that age to "get a Facebook account". You are awesome the way you are. Enjoy being you and enjoy being young. You will be a 28-year-old college graduate soon enough and it will suck. Plus, you do not want to be attracting the wrong kind of male attention at your age. It's not worth it. Trust me. Please consider changing your profile to reflect your actual age. XOXO, your relative who knows what you're up to...

The Diary Writer  

Diary writing about the daily ins and outs of your life can be very therapeutic and cathartic. Having been a dedicated journal-writer since 1997, I am a huge proponent of this hobby. However, there is definitely a time and a place for this activity to take place. Writing your deepest desires and daily dramas for all to publicly read is probably not in ones best interest, especially when employers, family and exes have free reign to read all of your ramblings. I am so sorry that your baby-daddy is back in jail for breaking probation and that your teenage son will no longer talk to you and you don't know why. That is really unfortunate and I am truly sorry. But I hardly know you and we only sat next to each other in college choir, so I probably should not know such detailed things about your life. There are such things called "boundaries" and "proper outlets". Although everyone does have different boundaries as to what they feel is appropriate to post on the book, posting about your serious family issues probably is not the best outlet for your concerns. Perhaps you should get a handle on life's hardships by confiding in friends or a counselor more and Facebook less... Just a thought..

The Debby Downer

I can tolerate many Facebook annoyances, but I truly struggle with this type of Facebooker. Very similar to The Diary Writer, The Debby Downer also posts far too much about their daily life. However, The DD does so in a way that requires its own "world's smallest violin" solo in the background of all of their statuses. Literally every single status they post is about how miserable they are and how their life is so much worse than everyone elses. I find most of these post-ers to be single women who seem to think that their life will miraculously turn to sunshine and rainbows with the addition of a boyfriend. Their posts often go something like this: 

11:00pm - crying myself to sleep AGAIN tonight.. will i ever find love?

5:02pm - drinking makes me feel less lonely. still wish i had a man to drink with me.. 

12:02am - i miss my ex.. i mean, my friends are ok... but i miss HIM!! 

6:54pm - my friends are telling me to get help.. you don't know what i am going through! screw all of you! 

This post-er is clearly sending out cries for help and attention, but they go about it in all of the wrong ways. It sucks to be sad and lonely, but, once again, Facebook probably is not the place to voice all of your woes. When all you ever post are sad posts, it makes your sad posts seem less sad and more blah. (Much like crying wolf.) Plus, any potential man who may have wanted to date you is probably going to get red flags when they read all of your daily woe is me posts. On a side note, getting a boyfriend will not give your life a complete 180 into happyland. You need to find happiness within yourself before you can share that happiness with another in a relationship. Perhaps you can take all of the energy you spend sobbing on Facebook and turn it into a productive hobby like yoga or underwater basket-weaving. That way you can get away from the computer, give your life purpose, and put yourself out in public to help increase your chances of meeting "Mr. Right". 

The "I Bet You Think this Post is about You"

Often the post-er of quotes or song lyrics, this Facebooker's statuses tend to be a bit passive aggressive in nature. They have issues with someone and instead of confronting that person like an adult, they decide to display their emotions in the form of a creative (or sometimes not so creative) Facebook post. Examples of this offenders statuses are often much like these posts:

The Song Lyric Version:  "but it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear...." 

The Quote Version: "She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad.. and that's important"

The Uncreative Version: Seriously?! Some people just need to grow up!! UGGHHH!

You're angry and now everyone knows it.. except for the person who you're aiming your status towards.. because they probably A) don't care or B) cannot decipher the meaning of your abstract angry post and how it relates to them. 

The Excessive Meme Poster

I do not understand where memes started, what their purpose is exactly, or how to even pronounce the word "meme". Memes can be entertaining and there is nothing wrong with posting them, unless you post 800 a day. As with most things, excess is not always a good thing. When all you ever post are memes, I am left to believe that you are uncreative on your own and rely solely on the wit of others. That being said, please keep the memes to a minimum. 

Well now that I have more than likely offended most of my Facebook friends, I figure this is a good stopping place for this post. This has been a public service announcement. Please Facebook responsibly. 

and if you could quit posting pics like this, too.. that'd be great... mmk thanks..