Maybe You Should Leave the Pregnant Suit at Home.

This morning, while cleaning out the contents of my car from the previous evening, two things became very clear: first, I shouldn't have left my dirty buffalo chicken dip pan in my car overnight and second, I am the most retarded person, ever.

Every now and then I come up with some grand idea that inevitably turns out to be an awful idea in the sober light of day. As I collected the pieces of the pregnant suit that I had worn just hours prior, it dawned on me that I actually wore this out in public. Now, this is not the first time I have sabotaged my lady-like public image and I'm sure it will not be the last, but regardless, it never gets less embarrassing.

Back in college, my girlfriend and I came up with this brilliant plan to dress up as Sonny and Cher for Halloween. As you are fully aware, Halloween is the national holiday where you can dress like a hussy and not be judged for it. Women prepare weeks to months in advance by hitting up the gym to get their abs and ass perfect for their naughty nurse, naughty schoolgirl, and naughty bunny costumes. My girlfriend and I are not "those girls", so we opt for the more humorous costume option. She is taller than I am so naturally she dressed up as Cher. Meanwhile, I was excited to get to adorn a thick black mustache and embrace my masculine side as Sonny. We decide that this is the best costume idea in the world. We have never been more wrong.

Out in public the liquid courage brought on by our pre-gaming slowly begins to fade as we wander through the sea of scantily clad and fabulous-looking women. These ladies are looking their best and we are beginning to question our costume choice. We get to the party and it becomes obvious: we are not going to get any ass tonight. The dudes in the room suspiciously eye us over their red solo cups and continue to chat with the cleavage that has their attention. My girlfriend looks like a drag queen and I am wearing a mustache. This costume plan was not very well thought out.

As if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I decided to make a repeat performance of "world's most unflattering and unseductive outfits" this past weekend when I decided to bust out a pregnant belly to a themed party. Now, in my defense, the theme was "white trash", so I figured the belly would make for the perfect outfit. I gather up a small pillow and a bejeweled jean jacket from Goodwill and decide to create a masterpiece of a costume. I mold the pillow into the perfect belly with duct tape and rip the sleeves off of the bejeweled jean jacket. One of my best friends and wingwoman, Raleigh, helped me strap on a large padded bra over my existing bra to finish the homemade preggo belly suit. I add a wifebeater and thick blue eyeshadow to complete the look and am about ready to start braiding my hair into cornrows when Raleigh (who is wearing jean shorts and a normal t-shirt) informs me that I have already gone far enough. "You're right. I should probably maintain some piece of normalcy." I pull my buffalo chicken dip out of the oven, hobble my newly girthy body to the car, and we are off.

Even arriving 45 minutes after the party start time, we are still the first guests there. This is embarrassing. We rock it out, pour ourselves a drink and enjoy the warm weather and far-too-neatly-landscaped-for-a-man's-party yard. As others slowly begin to trickle in, I have a flashback to Halloween and realize that I, once again, have completely taken the costume theme too far. Clearly, I did not get the memo that it was a "sexy white trash party". Feeling inadequate, I begin to drink more. All of the entering ladies display large, elevated breasts under cute tanks, cute jean shorts and skirts, and trucker hats. Dani, you are an idiot. Determined to swallow my pride and embrace the belly, my friend and I chat it up with the ladies and get social, as we typically do at such functions. I am not sure if it was the weather, my slight feeling of unsexiness, or the fact that I had only eaten half a cheeseburger that day, but I soon realize that I am drunk. Very drunk. It is at this time of realization that Raleigh, equally drunk, rushes across the yard with a sense of urgency. Upset by an issue unrelated to the party,  she grabs my arm and states, "We're leaving. Now." I do not hesitate, as I have embarrassed myself enough for one event, and we venture off to Broad Ripple, belly and all, to meet up with friends.

The events that took place after this are unimportant, but the night ends with me walking a mile in the dark from the bars and back to the scene of the party where my car is still parked. At this point I have drank nothing but water for the past few hours and am sober enough to, both, drive and realize that I once again have most likely made an ass of myself by wearing a costume that should have just stayed in the closet. Note to self: men do not find lady mustaches or pregnant bellies attractive. One of these days I will learn.. either that, or I will find someone who has no shame in rocking out an equally embarrassing costume. Either way, my pride and I should probably avoid themed parties for a while.

While driving home and feeling dumb, I replay the evening's events to my sister on the phone. "Lindsey, I f'ing wore a pregnant belly." After her laugher ceased she informs me, "Sissy, you are the most retarded person that I know. I love you." At the very least, the stories resulting from my shame, awkwardness, and poor decisions are typically mildly entertaining to the general public. Although it made for a funny story, next time I think I will leave the pregnant belly at home.

My grandma has taught me well how to edit photos.. She covers the faces of all of our ex's with question mark stickers so she can still keep the photos on the fridge even when things go sour.. Classy photo editing is in my genes.. (this was edited for privacy reasons only..)

Such a lady..... Ugh. I promise I am not 18 and posing with booze for kicks.. 

And it now becomes clear why no men were going to ask for our numbers that fateful Halloween night... (circa 2007) 

My friend made this for me since everyone kept thinking I was dressed as Borat.. 

Bucket List

Everybody has a bucket list... Here are the items that are currently on mine. I am hoping to accomplish a few of these within the next few years.. Although most of these adventures require a bit of money to complete.. sigh..


1. Noodling (catfishing with your bare hands... yes.)

2. Scuba diving certification and scuba on the Great Barrier Reef

3. Skydiving

4. Kiteboarding

5. Go to Australia

6. Go to India

7. Learn sign language

8. Zipline through the jungle

9. Write a book

10. Go cliff diving (jump from a cliff into deep water)

11. Rock climb outdoors

12. Throw a dart at a map.. and spend a few days wherever it lands...

13. Be a contestant on The Price is Right


14. See a whale

How does this not look like the most fun ever?! 

Warning: Deep Thoughts.

My brain never seems to shut off and is constantly trying to figure out people, situations, and life in general. One observation that never seems to fail me, is that people do not change. They just don't. True, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, but this is not change, this is growth. There is a difference. Change is when you start out as one thing and become another, whereas, growth is the evolution or discovery of what has always been there all along. I do not believe people change, but I DO believe that everyone shows their true colors over time. (Whether good or bad, you can't hide yourself forever!)

People are constantly providing clues about themselves, but oftentimes we overlook these clues because we want to see this person in a better light. We want to view this person as we would LIKE them to be and fail to see them for what they actually ARE. Since each of us come from different backgrounds, life experiences, traumas, etc.. our view of the world around us is unconsciously filtered through this biased mess of experience. I may view a certain person very differently than one of my friends. This is because our life experiences are vastly different and therefore how could we possibly view one thing the exact same way? Since no one views anything the same, no one person is adored by all or hated by all and this is a beautiful thing. (Can you imagine if everyone had the same "type" when dating? Those who did not fit that "type" would be screwed..) We are drawn to those with similar world views and personality traits and we enjoy our friends because of this similarity. I am a sarcastic person by nature so am drawn to those who are also fluent in sarcasm. People who do not understand sarcasm tend not to like me. There is nothing wrong with either, we're just different and probably will not understand each other very well. There is no right and wrong, just different.

I believe one of the key components to true contentment is viewing things exactly as they are, without judgement, bias, or emotions. This concept is ridiculously hard to put into practice because it is hard to separate true facts without those three components creeping in. The best way I can explain this is to dissect a relationship from my past (sorry, ex.. I'm throwing you out there..), as it was only after we broke up that I realized he had never "changed" at all, he had always been the same, I had just been viewing him the wrong way and had failed to see him for what he had been all along.

For a long time, after my last relationship, I was hurt and confused over what had happened and where things went wrong. I thought I had met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and various family members, including my mother, had told me "Dani, he's 'the one.'" I was on cloud nine with Ex (we'll just call him Ex.. no need to drop names) and often found myself thinking "I don't know how it gets any better than this". Ex made me a ridiculously happy person and I could not see myself being with anyone else. After a fun-filled year of dating, we began to talk about "getting serious". The first time he mentioned getting married, I was so happy and excited I thought I was going to explode. I could not wait to become Mrs. Ex. During year two of our relationship things started to change. I don't know if it was him or me, but things just weren't as easy as they had been before. We began to fight a lot and things he would say just weren't adding up. Regardless of the tension, we still moved in together. A month later, after various events that I will not dive into, I said "enough is enough" and kicked him to the curb. He moved his things out while I was at work and took many things that did not even belong to him. (yes, I am still a little bitter.. who takes someones iced tea maker and the first CHRISTMAS PRESENT they gave to their girlfriend?! Seriously? I want my wii fit back.. it was a GIFTTTT!!!) Two weeks after our break up, I ran into him and his new* vagina at a bar during New Years Eve. Happy New Year to me! And that pretty much sums that up..
(*let's be honest, she wasn't new.. she was the vagina he was using while he was still dating me.. awesome.)

Ok, I am not placing blame in our relationship, but there were definitely some red flags and personality traits that I overlooked because my silly "I really like you" emotions got in the way. I had always told myself I would never date a guy who was a smoker or had a history of cheating, but having a crush on someone will make you do stupid things. Looking back, he possessed very few qualities that I would actually like in a partner, so it is no surprise to me that things ended the way they did.

He was a smoker and when we first met I told him I would never date someone that smokes. That day, he told me he would quit and I told him "bullshit". However, he stopped smoking around me, so I assumed he was true to his word and had quit. (HA! Silly, naive Dani..) One day, after about a year of dating, we were lying in bed and I said, "I never told you how much it meant to me that you actually quit smoking. Thank you." He looked at me and replied, "I have been meaning to talk to you about that. I am officially a non-smoker!" I expected him to tell me it had been a year, or at least six months... NOPE! "I haven't smoked at work for TWO DAYS!" I gave him the look of death, rolled over, and replied, "Ex, I haven't eaten meat for two days, but I do not consider myself a vegetarian."

The second big red flag that I overlooked was the fact that Ex had a girlfriend when we met. I was aware of this, but he told me they were in the process of breaking up so, I believed him and we continued to hang out. As it turns out, they were NOT in the process of breaking up... AND his girlfriend was currently mad at him because she found out he was cheating on her with another girl. A girl who was NOT me. So, unknowingly, I was the OTHER other woman in his life.... Why did I continue to date him, again? Oh yeah.. stupid emotions. (smashes hand onto forehead...)

Honestly, I am not going to go on, because you already know too much. The point is, Ex never changed. People do not change. Although our relationship went sour, he was always the same person. When I first met him he SHOWED me he was a cheater, a liar, and a smoker, but I wanted to believe that things would be DIFFERENT with me. Had I accepted these facts for what they actually were, without emotions, we never would have dated. But, when we met, I saw him as I WANTED to see him and not for what he actually WAS. He never changed. He was always a cheater, a liar, and a smoker. I just failed to accept these as truths. Am I to blame? No. He is who he is and I am who I am. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we are just different and want different things. I want to be with a non-smoker who doesn't lie or cheat. I have no idea what it is that he wants..

I do not regret dating Ex or anyone from my past.  Ex provided me with joy and love when our relationship was good and knowledge and growth after we broke up. I am wiser for having dated him and our break up actually made me a better person in many ways. To find contentment, it is essential that you see things exactly as they are and not as you would like them to be. Once you can see and accept people for what they truly are, then you can decide whether or not they are someone you would like to keep in your life or someone you need to let go.

Traverse City, Michigan: Great Lakes, Great Times (a photo tour)

After posting a "cover photo" on the new facebook timeline that was forced upon me, I realized 2 things: #1. my hometown is ridiculously awesome and #2. many people in the world are completely oblivious to the beauty that I grew up around.

I grew up in Traverse City, Michigan, and although I cannot stand being there in the wintertime, since I am not a lover of the cold, there is NOWHERE else I would rather be in the summer. That being said, I would like to take this post to brag about my hometown and encourage others to vacation there, because it is totally worth it. Here is my attempt at a travel guide...



Where is Traverse City?

Traverse City, or "TC" as we call it, is located at the pinky of the mitten. Surrounded by numerous lakes, your summer question is never "do we want to go to the lake?", but "WHICH lake do we want to go to/ jet ski/ boat on/ fish on/ etc?"

Which Lakes are the Best?

This answer greatly depends on what you are looking to do... Below is a map of some of the major lakes surrounding TC. I have taken the liberty of highlighting some of my favorites in purple to make it easier for you to locate them. When visiting TC, it is best to go with a "townie" (I will explain nicknames later..), otherwise known as a "local". The locals know exactly which lakes are best for which activities and they probably have all of the equipment you need to do said activities, so you can avoid the hassle of renting. 

There are many smaller lakes, not on this map, that are only obtainable via short hike. I will keep these a secret for now, since us locals sometimes need to get away from the "fudgies" (also, to be explained later..).

Objects on the map above are much closer to one another than they appear.. 

Boating: Boats are like cars to TC people. If you are lucky enough to live on a lake, then there is almost a 100% chance that you own a boat, however, most people who live inland also own boats. That being said, I like to use different lakes for different kinds of boating (yes, there are different kinds..). 

Best Lakes for... 

Speeding Around and/or Tubing - Lake Michigan (East or West Bay.. DO NOT call West Bay the "West Arm of Grand Traverse Bay".. this is a dead giveaway that you're a fudgie) or Elk Lake. 

Some of my friends and I cruising around on the East Bay last summer 

My dad and I are not allowed to shop together anymore after purchasing that massive tube.. this is a picture of "tube wars" where the object of the game is to knock everyone else off their tube and be the last person standing.. err riding..

My sister rockin' out some water skis.. I think this pic was taken on Mullet Lake in Cheboygan, MI.. about 2 hours north of TC.. 

Parking the Boat to Drink - West Bay near the West End Beach (a highly crowded public beach downtown where most of the fudgies and local high schoolers go during the summer) or the Torch Lake Sandbar. 

Boats full of friendly drinkers LOVE the Torch Lake sandbar.. 

Torch Lake Sandbar: warm enough to swim.. shallow enough to drink and not risk drowning.. oh, and there are usually vendors on floatable carts or boats selling hot dogs and lemonade to boaters.. it's awesome. 

This is my current "cover photo" on facebook.. and the inspiration behind this post..

Dock Dining - On Clam River there is a restaurant called "The Dockside", where you can park your boat and dine and/or drink, all while never getting out of your swimsuit. 

Connecting rivers are "no wake" zones.. so you need to go slow.. 

Eating at The Dockside before heading back out on the water.. 

Fishing - Fishing is better early in the morning or later in the evening if you are actually trying to catch yourself some dinner. There are lots of "fishing tricks" and different seasons for catching different fish.. My grandpa has an vast amount of fishing knowledge stored away in his brain and is always my "go to" person when it comes to fishing. For those who have never gone fishing, it is boring and can be used as either a time of self-reflection or a time to drink and have in-depth conversations with your "fishing buddies". I love fishing. 

These pictures are actually from Black Lake in Cheboygan, MI. My Dad is playing around with the Pike I caught..
Side note: No fish were harmed in the making of this photo.. we practice catch and release..

Sometimes you think you have a bite.. but only catch a grass bass...  

Self-reflection... 

Cabrewing - Cabrewing is the act of floating down a river in a raft or canoe while drinking beer or other alcoholic beverages at the same time. The Platte River is typically where most cabrewing takes place since the current is strong enough that you don't have to paddle and can easily enjoy your brew.

Shockingly, I do not have any cabrewing pictures... that needs to change. 

Sailing, Kayaking, Jet Skiing and Kiteboarding - For those who are more adventurous, TC offers plenty water sports to keep you occupied. Lake Michigan is typically a decent spot to partake in these activities, although, given the right conditions, any lake will do. 

Kayaking on East Bay.. There is a small cove on the East Bay where you can search for Petoskey stones and kayak among the carp, swans, snapping turtles, and various other forms of wildlife.. This picture was take right outside my parents house. I am so lucky.

Kiteboarding.. I have never done this... but want to soooo badly.

My sister and her friends sailing.. 

There are many, MANY more water activities that I could add, but us TC people do more than just swim and participate in water sports. Traverse City is also known for the peninsula wine trail, breweries, Sleeping Bear Dunes and The National Cherry Festival. 

WINE - Whether you take a party bus or have a designated driver, if you are into wine, the Old Mission Peninsula Wine Trail is for you! There are 7 wineries located on the peninsula within close proximity to one another. Here is a website if you would like to know more: http://www.wineriesofoldmission.com

Each purple dot represents a tasty winery..

My personal favorite winery: Chateau Chantal.. 

BEER - There are a ton of breweries in the downtown TC area. I used to work at one called North Peak Brewing Company, but there is pretty much a brewery anywhere you turn downtown. Tasty! 

The Red 8 Ale is my brother's favorite beer.. It comes from this brewery..

Sleeping Bear Dunes - Nestled in beautiful Glen Arbor, the Sleeping Bear Dunes are a must-see for visiting fudgies. Bring comfortable shoes and lots of water to prepare yourself for your visit. And remember, if you decided to go down the dunes.. you have to walk all the way back up... which is 10 times harder and takes about 3 times longer....

I brought my friend to the dunes last year.. he had no idea what kind of hiking torture he was in for.. love dune virgins..

Photos just don't do justice to how steep and long of a climb this is.. that little white speck in the left lower corner.. that's a large boat.. 

The National Cherry Festival - Fudgies from all over come to enjoy this week-long cherry celebration. TC is the cherry capital of the world and this summertime festival is a cherry-lovers dream. Cherry jam, cherry beer, cherry hand soap, cherry pillows, absolutely anything and everything cherry, you can find here. Although known for cherries, this festival is much more than that. There is a carnival, beer tent, concert stage and much more. 

TC locals dread this time of the summer and most of them go on vacation when the festival is in town. We love everything this festival brings to the TC economy, but during this time, the amount of people in TC tends to quadruple in size and most TC locals are not fans of rowdy crowds. 

Yes.. I did try my hand at being "Cherry Queen" one year.. don't judge me.. 

The Open Space of downtown TC turns into madness during the cherry fest.. fun madness though.. 

Nicknames and P Stones -  I promised you I would explain myself.. so here goes.


Fudgie - a tourist. Northern Michigan is known for its fudge.. and tourists love fudge.


Townie - a local TC resident (those brave enough to live here during the bitter winters..)


Petoskey Stone - a fossil rock found only around Lake Michigan and Lake Heron. They are often found on beaches and are easier to find after it rains.

When polished, the P stones look like this. 

               

Even the Michigan government provides fudgies with a Michigan glossary.. Learn to speak like a local at:
http://www.michigan.gov/mde/0,4615,7-140-54504_50206_54518-184577--,00.html

Honestly, I could go on and on about how awesome TC is in the summer, but I feel as though this blog is already long enough. In the words of Reading Rainbow, "don't take my word for it", go visit TC for yourself!! I promise you will not be disappointed. 

New Direction: CRNA

I am excited! Why? Because I think I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life. After months of agony and discontentment surrounding my current professional life, I am finally feeling a bit of clarity. I am going to go back to school to become a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA).

I have always known that I wanted to do more than bedside nursing, but didn't know what. I thought about medical school, but felt like that would be a step backwards and possibly more work than it is worth at this point in my life. I also thought about becoming a Nurse Practitioner (NP), but when I went to apply for the Acute Care NP program, found out the program had been dropped at my old nursing school. Nothing seemed to be working out for me and after much struggle and internal "what the hell do I want to do with my life" debate, I retired my stress and decided to try travel nursing in the fall.

As much as I thought I would enjoy travel nursing, I just couldn't commit to it. (As I'm sure you may have noticed from a few of my previous posts...) While at a bike and beer get together a few weekends ago, I discussed my thoughts of travel nursing with a stranger. He mentioned how travel nursing sounded like a lateral move and, although drunk, these words stuck with me and made me think. I know that I do not want to do bedside nursing forever, so aside from experience and money, where would travel nursing really get me? The "go back to school" seed was once again planted, but, at this point, I still had no idea what I wanted to do.

The following week I had to run a CVVH filter for a patient in the OR, as we often do for certain cases. At the head of the table, I watched the tasks the anesthesiologists performed and talked with them about their job. I noticed many similarities between their work and certain tasks performed by ICU nurses. This intrigued me. I had never really given much thought to becoming a CRNA, however, while standing in the OR, a lightbulb came on. Hmm.. I like what they have going on here... I think I would really enjoy this.. (Side Note: CRNAs are NOT equivalent to anesthesiologists, but I will spare you those details..) After my shift ended, I went home, did a little research, and was sold. I am going back to school and I am going to become a CRNA. Period.

You have no idea how relieved I am to finally have a clear idea of my next life adventure. There are a few little pre-recs I need to nail out this summer before I apply, but hopefully I will find myself in a program in either 2013 or 2014. At least, I now have a goal and a direction to aim for, which is a very good thing.

Job Perk: no bad hair days.. as long as your eyes are stunning, you're looking fabulous.. 

15 Random Facts

I lieu of an actual post.. I give you this.. 




The veins on my right foot form a star

I have played flute since 4th grade

My first kiss was in a gazebo on a golf course in Arizona to a stranger whose name I don't remember.. (classy.)

Feeling felt fabric makes me nauseous

I have donated part of my boob to breast cancer research

I made it to the finals in a fishing pole casting contest when I was about 6 years old

I have written in a journal almost every day since December 25, 1997 (and most of it I can't even bring myself to re-read...)

I still remember lying on the OR table when I had to get my adenoids removed and hearing the doctor ask me to count to 5.. I was 3 years old.

I am a perfectionist and am still working on trying to accept my work as "good enough".. (this blog being one of those things...)

I hate peas.

My greatest fears are losing a loved one and/or never finding my "person" (whatever that even means..)

Seriously, I want to meet everyone in the world.. People are ridiculously fascinating.

I cannot parallel park.. and I failed my first drivers test because of this.

One of my favorite compliments came from a co-worker who said, "I like you, Dani. Everyone knows where they stand with you."

Although I truly believe the events of our past help shape who we are today, you could not pay me enough to relive certain times in my life.

Magic Eight Ball...

I am still in complete shock that it's April already.. Especially since I told myself I would take the CCRN certification exam in June and have only cracked open my books once or twice.. March went by way too quickly, and although I am excited for summer, I am not excited about having to decide what to do once my lease is up. I have been ridiculously anxious trying to figure out whether I should stay another year in Indy or whether I should try my hand at travel nursing. Although, Wise-Dani realizes everything will work itself out as it should, I-Need-To-Have-A-plan-NOW!-Dani is a hot mess of anxiety and panic.

Just like I used to do in high school, when trying to decide if I should break up with a boy, I think I need to create a "pros and cons" table for my nursing future...

PROS TO TRAVEL NURSING:
-$$$
-traveling on someone else's dime
-warmer, tropical climates
-new adventures
-i'm young, single, and bored in Indy.. so now's a good time
-everyone is married in Indy.. so there's potential for better man selection elsewhere..
-did I mention, $$$?
-more experiences/different ICUs = better RN
-there is talk of our head transplant dude leaving.. so the program could possibly change for the worse.. so maybe i don't want to stick around?
-i can always come back to Indy after a 3 month assignment, if i hate it..
-most people i have talked to loved being a travel nurse..

CONS TO TRAVEL NURSING:
-i will most likely be working in dysfunctional ICUs, since they are who hire travelers
-no friends
-i've worked really hard to get to where i am in my profession.. and am enjoying my new(ish) gig as charge nurse..
-i am respected on my unit (at least, as far as i know..)
-i still feel as though i still have a lot to learn on my unit..
-i know what i am doing (most of the time) on my unit..
-no overtime..
-saturday nights alone.. with no one to call to hang out.. which is going to suck since i am an extremely social being....
-i will miss my yoga, climbing, and pole dance studios..
-the reality that i am going to get lost.. a lot.
-i have a great group of friends here, who i absolutely adore
-starting over as "the new nurse" sucks since everyone assumes you're retarded..
-do i really want to "start over" again somewhere new every 3 months?...
-what if i love it and this is the last summer i ever spend in Indy??

I have no idea what I am doing/ want to do/ need to do, etc.. and I feel as though I am going crazy because of this.. Wise-Dani tries to tell me to "calm the fuck down and be patient", but Slightly-Manic-Dani needs answers now.  Starting over is really terrifying, and although I have done it many times before, I am not sure if I have enough courage to do it again... Blahhhhhh.... Magic 8 ball, what in the world should I do?  There is nothing, NOTHING, that I hate more than uncertainty..