The Year of Discontinued Happiness

So I have been hit by another blow today. For some reason the Universe is slowly discontinuing all of the things that bring me joy. A few months ago it started with the grilled veggie burrito at Qdoba. Today, it has spread to my favorite elastic no-snag hair ties.

I am in shambles. Why is this happening to me?! How am I to go on? These hair ties literally helped me keep it together throughout the years. When my hair was out of control, they tightly bound my locks into a bouncy and buoyant ponytail - without over-stretching or snagging. I have never been able to find another hair tie that can even compare to the perfection of the Sephora Snag-Free Hair Elastics. And now they're gone. Dead to me forever at the very moment that I need them the most. (I am down to two.)

I searched the internet high and low and now my precious hair-holders are nearly 5x the cost that I once paid. I will not lie, I briefly considered paying $17 (shipping included) for a pack of 8 ties on amazon.com. I am that desperate. But, when it came down to it, I could not justify that cost for a tiny ring of elastic (even if it is the best tie in the world..). 

Had I known that my preciouses would soon cease to exist, I would have been more cautious with them. Would have treated them more gently. And definitely would have stocked up like a doomsday prepper. But, I did not know. So now I am left to mourn and continue on in a world of crappy hair ties that break, stretch, and pull. Sephora, if you have a heart, please bring back your Snag-Free Hair Elastics. I am so lost without them. 

(If anyone finds these in the store, I will buy them from you - shipping and gratuity included. I am 110% serious.) 

I will forever be missing you. Xoxo, Dani

Wedding Planning: Not My Thing

I have never been one of those girls who dreamt about their wedding. Growing up, all I knew was that I wanted to be a mom and have a happy life. The whole idea of a wedding never did much for me and I never gave it any thought. While all of my friends were avidly pinning wedding plans on Pinterest (even though they were currently single), I was pinning funny animals posts and yoga poses. Now that I am engaged, nothing has changed.

It's not that I don't want to get married. I love Paul more than anything in the world and cannot wait to be his wife. I just hate planning parties, period. In college I had far too many failed birthday attempts that proved to me that event planning just isn't my thing. Nothing makes you feel more empty than reserving a restaurant table for ten and only having three people show up. It's traumatizing. I have come to realize that it's not the amount of people, but the quality of people who are by your side. However, this epiphany has not sparked or rekindled any joy towards orchestrating large important events.  

So where are we on the wedding planning front? Well, back in December, we set our wedding ceremony and reception date. This includes food, open bar, and cocktail hour. We also put a down payment on a rehearsal dinner place, a band, and a photographer. I guess we are not looking too shabby, but I can safely say that I have not done any planning since then. Also, we still have not done our engagement pictures or given any thought to save-the-dates or wedding colors. Nor have I even started the whole wedding dress shopping extravaganza. 

Meanwhile, my parents' neighbor's kid just got engaged a month or so ago and picked the same wedding date as we did. They already have their engagement pics done, wedding dress picked out, and save-the-dates ready to send. Are we really that far behind? Our families keep asking me when I am going to start looking for a wedding dress... Is it bad that I am not more excited? I understand that weddings are important, but part of me doesn't want to make such a big deal out of something like shopping for a dress. Does it really need to be such an important event? Or can I just go by myself on my day off? Ha. Don't get me wrong, I will do it the "right" way, but I definitely do not share in the joy that most women have towards finding "the dress". I already share my life with the most amazing man in the world. A dress is just a dress and won't make our marriage any more or less. Perhaps I will get more excited about it once I am actually trying things on... whenever that may be. We will see. 

I was very thankful that I finally got to inform Paul's 4-year-old niece that we would like her to be a flower girl at the wedding. I really wanted to ask her and Paul's nephew to be in the wedding when all of his sister's were up earlier this summer, but we never really got around to it. I am truly thankful when life helps me out a little, because Lord knows I need all of the help I can get! This evening Paul's niece asked about the wedding at dinner. Her question offered up the perfect time to tell her that she gets to be in the wedding and wear a beautiful dress if she would like to. Her face lit up and she got really excited. "What kind of dress will I get to wear? A pink one? A purple one? A zebra-striped one?!" I told her I would send her some pictures and she will get to pick out her favorite dress to wear. "Do you know what my favorite part of wearing a dress is?" She asked. "It's when you get to hold your dress up when going up and down stairs!" 

I cannot explain to you the relief I felt to finally solidify our flower girl. I know it's silly that I would stress out about that kind of thing, but I do! I am terrified to hurt people's feelings or make people feel obligated to do something that they may not want to do. Paul and I chose to only have two people stand beside us at the alter. I chose my sister and Hannah (one of my closest friends) and Paul chose his two childhood best friends. We decided to keep it small on purpose because we genuinely want all of our friends and family to have an awesome stress-free time.

Even though only a small fraction of the people we love are actively involved in the wedding, I hope our close friends and family understand that they mean the world to us. Honestly, Paul and I really just want everyone to take advantage of the open bar and have a blast. 

July 11, 2015 is going to be here before I know it. I am excited to get to have a giant party surrounded by everyone that we love! I guess that means I should probably start actively planning our big day again.. As much as I keep hoping, this wedding probably isn't going to plan itself.. 

Forever Missing Our Sweet Angel

This has not been a good week. Our world has been completely turned upside down and I have never been in so much pain. On Saturday morning we lost our baby girl. I will never be able to forget that day. I will never be able to forget hearing Paul tell me, "Fudge is dead."

Fudge was the joy of our lives. She was our fur-baby and I fell more and more in love with her each and every day. I have never felt love for an animal the way I did with Fudge. She was a goofball and the happiest dog I have ever seen. She loved everyone and was crazy about life. She loved the snow. She loved the rain. She loved the ice. She loved swimming in the lake. She loved absolutely everything and she embraced every experience that came her way. (I think the only thing in the world she didn't love was her gentle leader harness. She hated that with a passion.) Her enthusiasm and love for the world was contagious and she brought joy to so many people. 

Fudge met her fate all too soon and never even got to see her first birthday. I am so heartbroken. Our house is so quiet now that she is gone. 

Saturday morning, Paul and I left the house to go to his youngest sister's baby shower. We knew that Fudge was going to have an awesome day because her Grandpa was going to pick her up and take her hiking with his dog (one of Fudge's best dog friends). Fudge was insane when it came to walks with my dad. She could never jump into his truck fast enough. Hiking with my dad and Buddy was definitely one of her favorite hobbies, if not her very favorite.  

Not an hour and a half after we left, Paul received the call no one ever wants to receive. It was my dad on the other end, telling him that there had been an accident. I had just finished reading a story to Paul's niece when Paul pulled me aside and told me to follow him. "Where are we going? Are you taking me to see your parents' new boat?" Paul was acting strange. He took me to a room and sat down. I don't remember how he started the conversation because my mind went blank. All I remember was him saying, "Fudge is dead." I lost it. I kept repeating over and over, "I want to see my baby. I need to see my baby." 

We drove from the shower directly to my parents' house. Paul explained to me that my dad had taken her to the vet, but by the time he got there it was already too late. As we pulled in the driveway, my dad was hanging over the lifeless body of our baby and stroking her face. I collapsed into a pile, still in complete disbelief. Not my baby. Not Fudge. Why Fudge? It took a while, but I was finally able to gather myself and make my way to her. Her lips were pale and her chest so still. I hugged the body of my baby and pet her ears and paws like I often did while she was sleeping. I lay my head upon her chest, but instead of the sound of her breath, there was just a deafening silence. I could have snuggled her forever. 

My dad explained that he had no idea what exactly happened. He was driving about 10 mph down a two-track to the hiking trail and Fudge had her head out the window like she always did. He turned to look at his dog Buddy and heard Fudge jump out of the window. Since he was not going very fast he said he just expected her to pop back up and keep running. Except she didn't. We still don't know what caused her to jump and what exactly killed her. It was a freak accident with no rhyme or reason. Judging by the amount of blood that poured out of her cold little nose when my dad nestled her in the back of our car, I am assuming she must have knocked her head on a tree and severed her carotid artery. 

I will never understand why things like this happen. Why terrible things happen to good people. How the world as you know it can change in an instant. And why the world had to take our baby back before she even lived to be a year old. It sucks and it hurts. It leaves me bewildered and slightly angry. There is no explanation and no justice when things like this happen. Just sadness, grief, and confusion. Going home is so hard. She was our baby and her memory saturates every square inch of our house. All of our summer plans involved her. She was our life and our family. She was our little girl. 

Grief is such a rollarcoaster. I think the first two days were the worst. I do not think I have ever cried so much in my life. The day she died, my dad made her a beautiful box and Paul and I buried her in our backyard. We have sat at her grave and cried many times since. Even though she was "just a dog" she was OUR dog. And she was family.

Fudge, you brought us so much joy in the 11 months that you spent on this earth. You will forever be in our hearts and we will never forget you. We love you and miss you so much Fudgey girl. I hope you are happy wherever you are and know how much we love you. 

St. Patty's Day and Puppy Kindergarden Graduation Day

The face that would wake me up every morning

First day home

Hiking with my dad and Buddy (his dog)

Most beautiful dog in the world

Picking her up and taking her home

Happiest dog 

"Look Mom! I brought you a stick!"

On her way to hike with my parents - clearly very excited 

She put up with my crap and would pose in costume to amuse me

Undecided as to whether or not she actually wanted to eat the asparagus, Fudge opted to hold it in her mouth for about 5 minutes

June 15, 2013 - May 17, 2014
Forever our Angel

15 Realizations That I Am Getting Old..

1. The majority of my friends have children and/or are expecting

Not my actual friends, but they could be.. 

2. When typing number 1, I almost wrote "our friends"

Mi amor!

3. Nickelback has been sounding like decent music for the past year or so..

No caption needed.

4. When once I would browse the latest Cosmo or People Magazine while waiting in the check-out lane, I now find myself gravitating towards Better Homes and Gardens

Love. 

5. It has been almost 10 years since I graduated high school 

So many big dreams.. 

6. Once the clock strikes 10pm, it is far too late to consider going out (and I can't even tell you the last time I actually went out..)

This feels right.. 

7. Drunk people annoy me now more than ever

Is there any hope for the future of America?

8. My 401K has become important

My precious..

9.  90% of the time, I cannot stand listening to any of the crap on the radio

Make it stop.

10. I am older than everyone who played in the NCAA tournament and have been for the past few years 

Babies.. (so sad they didn't make the tourny this year..)

11. I worry about the world our children are going to grow up in.. texting, "likes", and "followers" are NOT a substitute for face-to-face talks and real friends.. 

Where are his parents?! *vomit*

12. I find selfies to be extremely narcissistic. 

Look at me! Look at me!

13. I reminisce about "the good old days" and the great times I had growing up

Always wanted a pair of these.. Never got um..

14. I pay a mortgage and not rent and spend money and time on home repair

In college I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity
It's been helpful in my adult life.. 

15. There is a high likelihood that I will become the mom to an actual human-being within the next few years.... Lord help me, I can't even keep a cactus alive.. 

Be very afraid..

I'm Still Alive.. And Other Exciting News.

Although I have not written in a while, I am still alive and well. It has been a really long time since I have blogged and this has been for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost, I have been having this internal battle over personal transparency versus personal privacy. There are some days where I think, "you know what.. I am going to openly blog about my life and my ups and downs. No filter.  Everyone has their issues and sometimes reading about the lives of other relatable people is helpful and makes you feel a bit more 'normal'." But then there are the other days where I think, "Everyone is too public with their lives nowadays on social media. I should be mysterious and private. No one needs to know my business." Unable to decide which route I wanted to take, my blog just sat here.. for months.. without a post. I wrote a few entries, but never actually posted any of them. Which is silly because I am fairly certain no one reads my blog anyway. Regardless, today I decided to reenter my blog. So hello, nice to see you again and thanks for reading!

The second reason for my blog hiatus is because.... (wait for it)... I AM ENGAGED!!! Around the holidays, the most amazing man in the world asked me to be his wife and I have been on cloud nine ever since. Remember back when I thought I was destined to be a bitter bachelorette for the rest of my life? Yeah... life is funny. The moment I impulsively decided to leave everything that made me comfortable was the very moment that amazing things started to fall into place. I still remember sitting next to Robin in PALS (pediatric advanced life support) class and listening to her encourage me to leave Indy and do travel nursing. "During my first travel assignment I met my husband." She told me. Never in a million years did I think that that would also happen to me. Yet, here I am, planning a wedding.  July 11, 2015 is the day I become Mrs. MacIntosh! I could not be happier!

Along with wedding planning, I have also been extremely busy with work lately. I have been trying to make my portfolio to get a $2/hr raise and have been spending a lot of time helping to initiate the CRRT program at my hospital. A lot of my free time has gone into work-related activities and I could really use a vacation! However, a vacation will have to wait because... (wait for it)... I AM GOING TO BE A DAY-SHIFTER AGAIN!! After a year of feeling miserable on nightshift, I am finally going to get to feel human again. I have been picking up shifts in the ER since July and a couple of weeks ago they offered me an 11a-11p position. That is my dream shift and I just could not bring myself to pass it up. I am a bit sad to be leaving the comfort of ICU and my awesome co-workers, but I am also excited to start a new adventure. I have never been an ER nurse before, so I am sure this year will be filled with many learning opportunities.

I was very nervous to tell my ICU manager and educator that I was leaving because I have invested so much time in getting the CRRT project up and running. I was afraid that I was going to get kicked out of that project and shunned because I chose to leave ICU. I hate feeling like I might let someone down. (My brain is ridiculous and often likes to jump to the worst case scenario.. Stupid brain..)  Luckily for me, my manager and educator were super understanding and stated that they would allow me to continue the project as long as it were ok with the ER manager. I feel very blessed to work in such a supportive environment as all parties have been flexible in allowing me to continue to help. Although I will no longer be full-time in the ICU, I am so excited that I will still get to help with this project and teach the ICU nurses how to run CRRT. Hopefully everything will continue to go well on all fronts.

Obviously I have a lot of new and exciting things happening in 2014. I am a bit overwhelmed by it all. Overwhelmed in a good way, but it's still a lot of change. I think I am going to make 2014 my year of "letting it be". As you may know from reading my blog, with each new year I like to set an intention and a purpose for the days to come. 2013 was "Eat Healthier. Complain less. Love life more." I am not sure if I necessarily met the first two objectives, but I definitely loved life in 2013. So for 2014, I want to be relaxed and let the pieces fall where they may, without stressing out about it. No matter what happens in 2014, I am just going to let it be, be ok with it, and move on. No worry. No stress. Being a typically high-strung person, I think I owe that to myself this year.

He did an amazing job. So sparkly! 

So excited to marry this man!

Somewhere along the line our puppy became a dog.. 

She's so majestic.. 

Recapping My Year as Psycho Dani

I have decided that time flies by WAY too quickly and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It has been over a year since I changed my life path from "single and ready to mingle transplant ICU charge nurse living in Indianapolis" to "travel nurse without a care in the world" to "very committed girlfriend and puppy mom who is living in her hometown and still has no idea what she wants to be when she grows up." So much has changed in this past year, it is ridiculous. Almost everything has changed for the better and I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for unanswered prayers, solid friendships, family, and things working out the way they are supposed to.

Sadly, with every life transition, sometimes you leave the good things behind as well as the bad. I had some really great friends in Indy and I miss them every single day. Friendships are interesting to me, because sometimes the people you think you would stay in contact with fade away, while those who you never thought would stick around are still there to support you to this day. It took me a while, but I think I have finally mourned the dead friendships of my past, for better or for worse. I used to think that some of my Indy friends and I would be close forever, but life is the way it is and unfortunately, I think my erratic behavior during my Quarter-Life Crisis cost me quite a few "good friends". I put that in quotations because I also realize that if people are truly your friend, they can see through your crazy-time, support the crap out of you no matter what, and continue to love you even when you least deserve it. I miss quite a few friendships that I know I will never get back and I can admit that I am probably to blame for these losses. But that's life and there is no need to dwell on the past anymore. On a happier note, I am very happy to say that I have a few great Indy friends who I still talk to regularly and a handful more who I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if I ever needed them. And I consider this a win. 

While talking to my friend Josh the other day, I realized just how psycho I had been during my last year living in Indy. We recollected my behavior and laughed about my poor life choices during this time. I will not lie, I was not always a good person that year and I made a TON of really stupid mistakes. As much as I wish I could go back and change so many things, my last year in Indy was a huge year of growth for me. All of my poor decisions led me to numerous life lessons and are ultimately the reason that I am where I am today. My 25th year was full of self-doubt, insecurity, and a need for attention from poor company. That whole year sucked. I was more anxious and depressed than I have been in a long while and although I went to yoga almost daily, there was nothing in that year that made me feel any better about anything. It wasn't until after I left that I truly realized how miserable I had been. It was also about this time that I became ridiculously embarrassed by how bat-sh*t crazy I was. 

Although my world was very chaotic throughout my 25th year, the craziness allowed me to realize that I have some really amazing people in my life. I have many awesome friends, but Josh and Hannah were truly my rocks who helped keep me stable when I felt like everything was falling apart. These two know far too much about me, and despite all of my faults, stood by me through it all. They have calmed me through panic attacks, made me laugh when I could not stop crying, and somehow are still by my side today. There will never be anything I could say that can truly put into words how grateful I am for their unconditional love and support. You have no idea how much you both mean to me. 

Sappiness aside, I would like to take this time to apologize to anyone who I may have hurt during my last year in Indianapolis. I am very sorry. My intentions were always good, but somehow things kept getting messed up. I never meant to offend anyone during this time and if I left you with a bad impression of myself, I hope you can begin to realize that I wasn't exactly "me" during that time. You don't have to accept my apology, but I am going to give it to you anyways because I need that closure for me. 

Well, that was a much heavier blog than I had originally anticipated, but sometimes you can't control what comes out when your fingers hit the keyboard. Some day everything will all make sense and I will finally understand the meaning behind all of life's trials and tribulations. Until then, I will continue to build my life, make mistakes, and love this world like crazy. 

Bad Summer for Blogging

Well this blog has gone to the wayside as this summer has been full to the brim with work, activities, and new adventures. I plan to start writing regularly again soon. There are so many stories floating around in my head and I wish I had enough to time get them all down on paper (err computer screen?).

As far as updates go, it has been more of the same, except now we have the addition of a new fuzzy life. A little over a month ago Paul and I picked up our fur-baby and life has not been the same since she entered our world. Fudge is a very sweet girl and I cannot believe how much she has grown already! So much energy and so much joy. Don't get me wrong, she definitely has her share of naughty girl moments, but for the most part we have been very blessed. She picked up potty training like a champ (she still has a few accidents at other people's houses..) and she has always been great at sleeping through the night. She loves kids and meeting new people and she is doing well walking on a leash. Perhaps her best trait is that personality-wise, she is quite the honey badger. Fudge doesn't seem to care about anything that is done to her or goes on around her. Vaccinations? No problem. You want to play with my face, paws, and body? Go right ahead. The sound of loud gun shots? Doesn't phase me. She is such a great pooch and we are ridiculously in love with her.

I hope to get a few more "real" blog entries in and fewer "updates" as soon as life allows it. So sad that it's September already. I am not ready to face the ruthless Northern Michigan winters... Not one bit.

8 weeks old

12 weeks old

Such a sweet girl. Loves to dig. (8 weeks)

Boat dog! (9 or 10 weeks)

Paul's nephew feeding her dinner kibble by kibble So spoiled! (9 weeks)

So leggy and long at 12 weeks

Love my pretty girl. 

Oh and ps. I did not die skydiving. It was the most fun I think I have ever had. After we hit the ground I was ready to jump again. These guys get to do this every day! I think I need a new job.... 

Paul and I getting ready to board that tiny plane..

The view.. 

I could not stop smiling!! I was so happy!!