Sadly, with every life transition, sometimes you leave the good things behind as well as the bad. I had some really great friends in Indy and I miss them every single day. Friendships are interesting to me, because sometimes the people you think you would stay in contact with fade away, while those who you never thought would stick around are still there to support you to this day. It took me a while, but I think I have finally mourned the dead friendships of my past, for better or for worse. I used to think that some of my Indy friends and I would be close forever, but life is the way it is and unfortunately, I think my erratic behavior during my Quarter-Life Crisis cost me quite a few "good friends". I put that in quotations because I also realize that if people are truly your friend, they can see through your crazy-time, support the crap out of you no matter what, and continue to love you even when you least deserve it. I miss quite a few friendships that I know I will never get back and I can admit that I am probably to blame for these losses. But that's life and there is no need to dwell on the past anymore. On a happier note, I am very happy to say that I have a few great Indy friends who I still talk to regularly and a handful more who I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if I ever needed them. And I consider this a win.
While talking to my friend Josh the other day, I realized just how psycho I had been during my last year living in Indy. We recollected my behavior and laughed about my poor life choices during this time. I will not lie, I was not always a good person that year and I made a TON of really stupid mistakes. As much as I wish I could go back and change so many things, my last year in Indy was a huge year of growth for me. All of my poor decisions led me to numerous life lessons and are ultimately the reason that I am where I am today. My 25th year was full of self-doubt, insecurity, and a need for attention from poor company. That whole year sucked. I was more anxious and depressed than I have been in a long while and although I went to yoga almost daily, there was nothing in that year that made me feel any better about anything. It wasn't until after I left that I truly realized how miserable I had been. It was also about this time that I became ridiculously embarrassed by how bat-sh*t crazy I was.
Although my world was very chaotic throughout my 25th year, the craziness allowed me to realize that I have some really amazing people in my life. I have many awesome friends, but Josh and Hannah were truly my rocks who helped keep me stable when I felt like everything was falling apart. These two know far too much about me, and despite all of my faults, stood by me through it all. They have calmed me through panic attacks, made me laugh when I could not stop crying, and somehow are still by my side today. There will never be anything I could say that can truly put into words how grateful I am for their unconditional love and support. You have no idea how much you both mean to me.
Sappiness aside, I would like to take this time to apologize to anyone who I may have hurt during my last year in Indianapolis. I am very sorry. My intentions were always good, but somehow things kept getting messed up. I never meant to offend anyone during this time and if I left you with a bad impression of myself, I hope you can begin to realize that I wasn't exactly "me" during that time. You don't have to accept my apology, but I am going to give it to you anyways because I need that closure for me.
Well, that was a much heavier blog than I had originally anticipated, but sometimes you can't control what comes out when your fingers hit the keyboard. Some day everything will all make sense and I will finally understand the meaning behind all of life's trials and tribulations. Until then, I will continue to build my life, make mistakes, and love this world like crazy.
