Maybe You Should Leave the Pregnant Suit at Home.

This morning, while cleaning out the contents of my car from the previous evening, two things became very clear: first, I shouldn't have left my dirty buffalo chicken dip pan in my car overnight and second, I am the most retarded person, ever.

Every now and then I come up with some grand idea that inevitably turns out to be an awful idea in the sober light of day. As I collected the pieces of the pregnant suit that I had worn just hours prior, it dawned on me that I actually wore this out in public. Now, this is not the first time I have sabotaged my lady-like public image and I'm sure it will not be the last, but regardless, it never gets less embarrassing.

Back in college, my girlfriend and I came up with this brilliant plan to dress up as Sonny and Cher for Halloween. As you are fully aware, Halloween is the national holiday where you can dress like a hussy and not be judged for it. Women prepare weeks to months in advance by hitting up the gym to get their abs and ass perfect for their naughty nurse, naughty schoolgirl, and naughty bunny costumes. My girlfriend and I are not "those girls", so we opt for the more humorous costume option. She is taller than I am so naturally she dressed up as Cher. Meanwhile, I was excited to get to adorn a thick black mustache and embrace my masculine side as Sonny. We decide that this is the best costume idea in the world. We have never been more wrong.

Out in public the liquid courage brought on by our pre-gaming slowly begins to fade as we wander through the sea of scantily clad and fabulous-looking women. These ladies are looking their best and we are beginning to question our costume choice. We get to the party and it becomes obvious: we are not going to get any ass tonight. The dudes in the room suspiciously eye us over their red solo cups and continue to chat with the cleavage that has their attention. My girlfriend looks like a drag queen and I am wearing a mustache. This costume plan was not very well thought out.

As if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I decided to make a repeat performance of "world's most unflattering and unseductive outfits" this past weekend when I decided to bust out a pregnant belly to a themed party. Now, in my defense, the theme was "white trash", so I figured the belly would make for the perfect outfit. I gather up a small pillow and a bejeweled jean jacket from Goodwill and decide to create a masterpiece of a costume. I mold the pillow into the perfect belly with duct tape and rip the sleeves off of the bejeweled jean jacket. One of my best friends and wingwoman, Raleigh, helped me strap on a large padded bra over my existing bra to finish the homemade preggo belly suit. I add a wifebeater and thick blue eyeshadow to complete the look and am about ready to start braiding my hair into cornrows when Raleigh (who is wearing jean shorts and a normal t-shirt) informs me that I have already gone far enough. "You're right. I should probably maintain some piece of normalcy." I pull my buffalo chicken dip out of the oven, hobble my newly girthy body to the car, and we are off.

Even arriving 45 minutes after the party start time, we are still the first guests there. This is embarrassing. We rock it out, pour ourselves a drink and enjoy the warm weather and far-too-neatly-landscaped-for-a-man's-party yard. As others slowly begin to trickle in, I have a flashback to Halloween and realize that I, once again, have completely taken the costume theme too far. Clearly, I did not get the memo that it was a "sexy white trash party". Feeling inadequate, I begin to drink more. All of the entering ladies display large, elevated breasts under cute tanks, cute jean shorts and skirts, and trucker hats. Dani, you are an idiot. Determined to swallow my pride and embrace the belly, my friend and I chat it up with the ladies and get social, as we typically do at such functions. I am not sure if it was the weather, my slight feeling of unsexiness, or the fact that I had only eaten half a cheeseburger that day, but I soon realize that I am drunk. Very drunk. It is at this time of realization that Raleigh, equally drunk, rushes across the yard with a sense of urgency. Upset by an issue unrelated to the party,  she grabs my arm and states, "We're leaving. Now." I do not hesitate, as I have embarrassed myself enough for one event, and we venture off to Broad Ripple, belly and all, to meet up with friends.

The events that took place after this are unimportant, but the night ends with me walking a mile in the dark from the bars and back to the scene of the party where my car is still parked. At this point I have drank nothing but water for the past few hours and am sober enough to, both, drive and realize that I once again have most likely made an ass of myself by wearing a costume that should have just stayed in the closet. Note to self: men do not find lady mustaches or pregnant bellies attractive. One of these days I will learn.. either that, or I will find someone who has no shame in rocking out an equally embarrassing costume. Either way, my pride and I should probably avoid themed parties for a while.

While driving home and feeling dumb, I replay the evening's events to my sister on the phone. "Lindsey, I f'ing wore a pregnant belly." After her laugher ceased she informs me, "Sissy, you are the most retarded person that I know. I love you." At the very least, the stories resulting from my shame, awkwardness, and poor decisions are typically mildly entertaining to the general public. Although it made for a funny story, next time I think I will leave the pregnant belly at home.

My grandma has taught me well how to edit photos.. She covers the faces of all of our ex's with question mark stickers so she can still keep the photos on the fridge even when things go sour.. Classy photo editing is in my genes.. (this was edited for privacy reasons only..)

Such a lady..... Ugh. I promise I am not 18 and posing with booze for kicks.. 

And it now becomes clear why no men were going to ask for our numbers that fateful Halloween night... (circa 2007) 

My friend made this for me since everyone kept thinking I was dressed as Borat.. 

Bucket List

Everybody has a bucket list... Here are the items that are currently on mine. I am hoping to accomplish a few of these within the next few years.. Although most of these adventures require a bit of money to complete.. sigh..


1. Noodling (catfishing with your bare hands... yes.)

2. Scuba diving certification and scuba on the Great Barrier Reef

3. Skydiving

4. Kiteboarding

5. Go to Australia

6. Go to India

7. Learn sign language

8. Zipline through the jungle

9. Write a book

10. Go cliff diving (jump from a cliff into deep water)

11. Rock climb outdoors

12. Throw a dart at a map.. and spend a few days wherever it lands...

13. Be a contestant on The Price is Right


14. See a whale

How does this not look like the most fun ever?! 

Warning: Deep Thoughts.

My brain never seems to shut off and is constantly trying to figure out people, situations, and life in general. One observation that never seems to fail me, is that people do not change. They just don't. True, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, but this is not change, this is growth. There is a difference. Change is when you start out as one thing and become another, whereas, growth is the evolution or discovery of what has always been there all along. I do not believe people change, but I DO believe that everyone shows their true colors over time. (Whether good or bad, you can't hide yourself forever!)

People are constantly providing clues about themselves, but oftentimes we overlook these clues because we want to see this person in a better light. We want to view this person as we would LIKE them to be and fail to see them for what they actually ARE. Since each of us come from different backgrounds, life experiences, traumas, etc.. our view of the world around us is unconsciously filtered through this biased mess of experience. I may view a certain person very differently than one of my friends. This is because our life experiences are vastly different and therefore how could we possibly view one thing the exact same way? Since no one views anything the same, no one person is adored by all or hated by all and this is a beautiful thing. (Can you imagine if everyone had the same "type" when dating? Those who did not fit that "type" would be screwed..) We are drawn to those with similar world views and personality traits and we enjoy our friends because of this similarity. I am a sarcastic person by nature so am drawn to those who are also fluent in sarcasm. People who do not understand sarcasm tend not to like me. There is nothing wrong with either, we're just different and probably will not understand each other very well. There is no right and wrong, just different.

I believe one of the key components to true contentment is viewing things exactly as they are, without judgement, bias, or emotions. This concept is ridiculously hard to put into practice because it is hard to separate true facts without those three components creeping in. The best way I can explain this is to dissect a relationship from my past (sorry, ex.. I'm throwing you out there..), as it was only after we broke up that I realized he had never "changed" at all, he had always been the same, I had just been viewing him the wrong way and had failed to see him for what he had been all along.

For a long time, after my last relationship, I was hurt and confused over what had happened and where things went wrong. I thought I had met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and various family members, including my mother, had told me "Dani, he's 'the one.'" I was on cloud nine with Ex (we'll just call him Ex.. no need to drop names) and often found myself thinking "I don't know how it gets any better than this". Ex made me a ridiculously happy person and I could not see myself being with anyone else. After a fun-filled year of dating, we began to talk about "getting serious". The first time he mentioned getting married, I was so happy and excited I thought I was going to explode. I could not wait to become Mrs. Ex. During year two of our relationship things started to change. I don't know if it was him or me, but things just weren't as easy as they had been before. We began to fight a lot and things he would say just weren't adding up. Regardless of the tension, we still moved in together. A month later, after various events that I will not dive into, I said "enough is enough" and kicked him to the curb. He moved his things out while I was at work and took many things that did not even belong to him. (yes, I am still a little bitter.. who takes someones iced tea maker and the first CHRISTMAS PRESENT they gave to their girlfriend?! Seriously? I want my wii fit back.. it was a GIFTTTT!!!) Two weeks after our break up, I ran into him and his new* vagina at a bar during New Years Eve. Happy New Year to me! And that pretty much sums that up..
(*let's be honest, she wasn't new.. she was the vagina he was using while he was still dating me.. awesome.)

Ok, I am not placing blame in our relationship, but there were definitely some red flags and personality traits that I overlooked because my silly "I really like you" emotions got in the way. I had always told myself I would never date a guy who was a smoker or had a history of cheating, but having a crush on someone will make you do stupid things. Looking back, he possessed very few qualities that I would actually like in a partner, so it is no surprise to me that things ended the way they did.

He was a smoker and when we first met I told him I would never date someone that smokes. That day, he told me he would quit and I told him "bullshit". However, he stopped smoking around me, so I assumed he was true to his word and had quit. (HA! Silly, naive Dani..) One day, after about a year of dating, we were lying in bed and I said, "I never told you how much it meant to me that you actually quit smoking. Thank you." He looked at me and replied, "I have been meaning to talk to you about that. I am officially a non-smoker!" I expected him to tell me it had been a year, or at least six months... NOPE! "I haven't smoked at work for TWO DAYS!" I gave him the look of death, rolled over, and replied, "Ex, I haven't eaten meat for two days, but I do not consider myself a vegetarian."

The second big red flag that I overlooked was the fact that Ex had a girlfriend when we met. I was aware of this, but he told me they were in the process of breaking up so, I believed him and we continued to hang out. As it turns out, they were NOT in the process of breaking up... AND his girlfriend was currently mad at him because she found out he was cheating on her with another girl. A girl who was NOT me. So, unknowingly, I was the OTHER other woman in his life.... Why did I continue to date him, again? Oh yeah.. stupid emotions. (smashes hand onto forehead...)

Honestly, I am not going to go on, because you already know too much. The point is, Ex never changed. People do not change. Although our relationship went sour, he was always the same person. When I first met him he SHOWED me he was a cheater, a liar, and a smoker, but I wanted to believe that things would be DIFFERENT with me. Had I accepted these facts for what they actually were, without emotions, we never would have dated. But, when we met, I saw him as I WANTED to see him and not for what he actually WAS. He never changed. He was always a cheater, a liar, and a smoker. I just failed to accept these as truths. Am I to blame? No. He is who he is and I am who I am. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we are just different and want different things. I want to be with a non-smoker who doesn't lie or cheat. I have no idea what it is that he wants..

I do not regret dating Ex or anyone from my past.  Ex provided me with joy and love when our relationship was good and knowledge and growth after we broke up. I am wiser for having dated him and our break up actually made me a better person in many ways. To find contentment, it is essential that you see things exactly as they are and not as you would like them to be. Once you can see and accept people for what they truly are, then you can decide whether or not they are someone you would like to keep in your life or someone you need to let go.