Updates..

I am back in Indy, after a much needed trip home to Michigan, and I have never been happier to be in 55 degree weather. I love seeing my family, but TC winters are not fun... especially when your rental car is rear-wheel drive. Not only was I rocking out the car most preferred by wealthy old men, but I was also driving like one to try and avoid death by icy roads. This voyage only served to further solidify the fact that I am not a snow person.

Regardless of my troubles, it was fun to play rich in my Cadillac STS as I impatiently waited for Fe 2.0 to be repaired. The rental car was pretty badass; it had heated/cooled seats, a heated steering wheel, a DVD player, sunroof, killer sound system, etc. The only issue I had with it was the radio. The radio was broken and would only play one station: Christian tunes. I swear to you, this is 100% true. It wouldn't even play my cds. I would pop a cd in, it would play 2 seconds of a song, and then the Christian radio station would cut in and take over. Absolutely ridiculous. I wasn't even lucky enough to get Christian rock. No, I was stuck with Jesus smooth jams, where every single song sounded exactly the same. It was my personal hell. 

Aside from the radio issue, things have been going really well and I think my February funk is finally over. (Hallelujah!) My birthday weekend was awesome and I checked everything off of my "to do" list that I wanted to accomplish. I also found a new hobby at the shooting range and am now looking to purchase a 9mm handgun in the near future. 

Upon my arrival back into Indy, Fe 2.0's repairs were finished and I got to trade in the possessed Christian Caddy for my fixed and shiny SUV. I am still a little upset that my poor judgement (on so many levels...) resulted in an expensive repair, but such is life, I suppose. I really need to learn how to be a better driver.. 

Lastly, I am stoked that IU beat the crap out of MSU in basketball. Although I really thought it was going to be a closer game, I always love being able to give my siblings crap about my school kicking their school's ass. Bring on March Maddness. 

So excited about my new hobby..

This seemed like the most legit spot to aim.. Not too shabby for a first-timer..

Be an Asshole. You'll Live Longer.

I love student nurses. They are so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and absolutely everything is new and exciting to them. When I was first learning how to be a nurse I was always eager to see and do anything I could get my hands on. Drop an NG? Heck yeah! Administer an enema? Bring it on! Empty that ostomy? Kind of gross, but I'll do it. This was not the case with the nursing student I was chosen to precept the other day. He was one of those "you can't teach me anything I don't already know because I work in an ER" types and no critically unstable patient (on a filter, with pressors, and in multi-system organ failure) was going to change his views. News flash buddy, you better learn to drop that attitude real quick or you're gonna get your ass handed to you. You're in nursing school for a reason, you are going to make mistakes, and you will NEVER know everything. Regardless of his blase attitude towards my "day in the life of an ICU nurse" lessons, I was determined to impress upon him at least one morsel of knowledge before the shift was over. So, in light of his pompous attitude, I settled on the words of wisdom that no nursing class will ever teach you: be an asshole and you'll live longer.

I have no statistical data to prove this, however, I do have approximately 6 years of hospital experience under my belt that continues to back my hypothesis time and time again. For some reason unknown to me, the nicest, sweetest people always seem to suffer and die, while the mean, cold-hearted, "I'm gonna call you a bitch every time you walk in the room" patients overcome insurmountable illnesses and survive. I swear to you this is true.

As ICU nurses, we have the honor of becoming "family" to our patients and their loved ones, but with this, we also have the misfortune of baring the weight of their suffering because we want so badly for them to get better and leave the hospital. Most of what I see and do on the daily I would not wish upon my worst enemies and I will never get accustomed to seeing good people suffer.  

On the contrary, I have also been kicked, bitched at, called names, bitten, shit on, and you name it, by some of the most vial patients and family members known to man. (Note: no family member has yet to bite or shit on me... but my career is still young..) You know, the type of people who make your blood boil and make you seriously contemplate inserting a size 48 french foley into their peeper without any lube and without any guilt. These are the people that make a nurse's job a living hell and these, ladies and gentlemen, are the people that live forever. 

One patient that sticks out in my mind was a younger gentleman who nearly died because he decided that since the meds that kept him alive upset his stomach, he just wasn't going to take them anymore. Instead of discussing this issue with his doctor, which would have been a logical thought, he just decided to stop them cold turkey. By the time he entered my care, he had not been taking his meds for at least 3 months. Now, I don't want to place blame here, but as far as I'm concerned, any result from this decision was his own damn fault. Regardless, this man went from vomiting in the ER to maxed out on 3 pressors in less than 24 hours. He was siiiiiiick. The doctors explained to the family how severely ill he was and told them that, although we would do everything to save him, there was a very high likelihood that he was going to die as a result of his actions. Shockingly, family appeared at ease with this decision.

While trying to keep him alive throughout my shift, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on his family's conversations since they almost sounded like an episode of the Maury Povich show. Every member of his family was a little "rough around the edges" and every member of his family also appeared to hate his guts. Usually when someone is dying, families will talk about how much they love said person. Not this boy's family. They held vigil by exchanging stories about how much of an asshole he was and how they couldn't stand him. It was hilarious. (ICU nurses have a twisted sense of humor..) That evening, I passed him on to the night shift nurse, said goodbye to his family, and went on to enjoy my weekend off, fully expecting this man to die within the next few hours. Imagine my shock when I returned a few days later to find him still alive, actually improving, and awake. Completely blew my mind. Just goes to show you that A) you can never predict who is going to "make it" and who is not and B) that assholes, much like cockroaches, can survive just about anything.

There are many other stories that emulate this one and many more patients out there who are making nurses lives a living hell, all the while outliving the kind and caring patients that nurses enjoy. The fact that assholes seem to fair better is not a "rule", but rather an observation I have made over the years. Although being nice gets you special care from the nurses, if I am ever a patient, I think I will purposefully try to be the biggest bitch in an attempt to up my chances of making it out alive.

Sometimes I fall asleep while doing oral care, too... weird pic, yet, mildly funny.. 

Parsimony: A Dating Theory.

In college biology we learned about the theory of parsimony to create phylogenies. For those who are unaware, a phylogenic tree is a diagram that shows the evolutionary relationships of species based on similar characteristics and/or genes that have most likely been passed on to numerous creatures from one common ancestor. (I promise you, this is unimportant to my dating theory, but I wanted to offer up a little background information..) While creating said phylogenies, we were taught about parsimony, which is the method to best calculate these diagrams. "Under parsimony, the preferred phylogenic tree is the tree that requires the least evolutionary change to explain some observed data." (Thank you, wikipedia) So birds don't start out with scales and then get wings and then lose their wings and grow fur and then grow wings and feathers again... The evolution into becoming a bird was most likely a gradual drift into the creatures they are now... whomp whomp whomp. In basic terms, parsimony means that the simplest explanation is most likely the best explanation. It is this basic definition that I like to put into play when dating.

There are a lot of ladies out there (and gentlemen, too) who like to make excuses for the people that they date to try and better justify why said person did or said the things they did. "Oh, he didn't mean to sleep with that girl.. He was really drunk and I have just been too busy to give him what he needs...  I can forgive him." "Even though she hasn't called me in 3 weeks or answered any of my texts or emails, I think I can still win her over. I mean, we really had chemistry.." Ok...... First off, if you're with the right person dating should be easy and fun, especially during the honeymoon stage. Secondly, listen to what you're saying. I find that many people want to overanalyze their dating situation to try and spin the story where their partner is still a good person and still wants to be with them. Insert parsimony here. Stop making excuses and break the situation down into the simplest possible explanation since this is most likely the most correct explanation. If someone truly wants to be with you, they will make every attempt to see you and will want to make you happy. Period. If someone isn't too sure, then they will probably flake out and make a ton of excuses. That's it, folks. Figuring people out it easy. Makes time for you = likes you. Makes excuses = doesn't. The simpiest explanation is the best explanation. That's dating parsimony. 

Now for a little practice.  

EXHIBIT A: Susie and Ben have just started dating. They are nothing official yet, but have already slept together and have hung out numerous times. It's Ben's birthday and he invites Susie to hang out with him since he doesn't have any solid plans. Susie has told Ben that she is free that day, but she is not sure if she can make it over on his birthday since Ben lives 40 minutes away. Susie never comes over, but sends a text the next day stating that she was really sorry and thought about coming, but decided to go to a movie with her neighbor instead. 

Why would Susie do this to Ben?

A) They are newly dating, so Susie is not required to hang out with Ben on his birthday. How can he expect her to drive 40 minutes to see him? That's selfish of Ben to expect that from her. 

B) I am sure Susie really wanted to go. I mean, they are sleeping together so she must really like him. I'm sure her car must have broken down or something. Ben should forgive her and continue to date her since she seems like a really nice person and she has great legs. 

C) Susie doesn't care enough for Ben to be there for him on a moderately important day. Although they may have a good time together and Ben may really like Susie, Susie is not showing signs of wanting to be in a relationship with Ben. Ben should recognize that Susie is making excuses and, although some excuses are legit, if she continues to flake out, he should probably break things off with her since it is going nowhere. 

ANSWER: C. Sorry, Ben. She is probably "just not that into you." Good thing you found out early and saved yourself months of agony and disappointment. There are women out there who can be fun AND supportive. Send Susie packing and move on. 

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Come on, Dani. You're being ridiculous. No one is going to be perfect and sometimes people make mistakes." To that I will say, you are absolutely correct. Sometimes people genuinely do want to be there for you, but situations in life prevent them from doing so. These are the exceptions, not the rule. If a person is constantly letting you down, making you feel bad about yourself, and making excuses, then there's your answer. I will never understand why some of my friends suffer through miserable relationships just because they have "history" and think things will get better. If you've been with the person for 2 years and things are still only sub-par, what makes you think they are miraculously going to change for the better? Maybe I'm too harsh, but I don't like to have massive amounts of drama with the people at date. Many of the nurses and surgeons on my hospital unit joke that I cannot stay with anyone for longer than a week. I have no shame in this. If you can already see the writing on the wall, why would anyone want to keep dating someone who isn't right for them? I don't get it. I know what it feels like to have someone truly care for me and I think everyone should refuse to settle for anything less than that. I once had a guy court me from hundreds of miles across the country. He found ways to support me during major events and would even surprise me by sending flowers to my unit. From many states away, this man was more supportive and caring than anyone I have dated in town. This just goes to prove the dating theory of parsimony since this man never let distance be an excuse. He liked me, so he found ways to be there for me. Period. There are good people out there who will like you for who you are and will want to be there for you. You just have to be patient.

DATING PHYLOGENY:
not as easy to create as I thought it would be... and not really a phylogeny at all, but humor me on this one... 

Nobody Likes February.

Have you ever heard of the saying, "when it rains, it pours?" Well, that's basically how my past few weeks have been. February, you can suck it. Even though you are the month of my birthday, you always seem to be the WORST month ever. Which is probably why they only gave you 28 days. That being said, I am going to try to make these next few days a little less miserable by filling them with things that make me happy. 

For starters, I am not working again until Monday, so I am beginning to feel the dark clouds lifting already. Aside from doing my dishes (I swear they multiply while I am away..), I hope to make my days off as enjoyable as possible. So far, my plans include a low-key birthday dinner, rock climbing, and going to the shooting range. I have never been shooting before, but I feel as though it will be the perfect way to get out a bit of anger. If it is anything like my game of darts, those around me should probably wear a full-body bulletproof vest and a helmet. But who knows, maybe I will surprise myself. I wonder if they will allow me to post photos on the target that you shoot at? .........

I hate being a bitter, mopey person and my "February funk" needs to come to an end.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so I am going to try and "embrace the suck" and move on. All the things that I used to love about Indy don't really exist anymore and this only solidifies my decision to pull up my anchor and set sail to somewhere warmer. Somewhere with an actual lake or ocean... Sorry Indiana, but when you've grown up on Lake Michigan, "reservoirs" are not impressive. I need to feel the sand in my toes and the sun on my face. Thank you shitty February for making my travel nursing decision for me. See, you really can find good in any chaotic situation. 

Insert photos of things and people who piss you off here... so cathartic.. however, I may need a larger target. 

Freezer Hell (a place where debts go to die..)

I am beginning to think that shoving all of my bills into the freezer may not be that bad of an idea. I had an ex-boyfriend whose alcoholic father used to do this and I could never figure out why. However, at this moment, I am starting to see how his actions could be a logical thought. Right now, I desperately want to stuff all of my expenses, out of sight and out of mind, into a cold, frosty isolation and pretend like they don't even exist. (I suppose there are a few people who I would also like to do this to as well, but that's aside from the point.) Being an adult sucks.

Today, I finally got the lock on my mailbox repaired and was able to retrieve my mail after a week of snail mail lock out. Much to my dismay, upon opening the metal cage, an avalanche of bills and expenses fell at my feet. This happened after I discovered a 10-day-old stack of mail in the backseat of my car and after I got the ungodly car repair estimate for fe 2.0's damages. Universe, thank you for the early birthday gift of debt and a damaged car. Really, you shouldn't have...

So, what do you do when life chucks lemons your way? I suppose you dodge them, keep calm, and clean up the mess before it gets sticky.. (Somehow this sounded better in my head, but regardless..) I think tomorrow I shall grab a bottle of wine and get intimate with Turbo Tax to get the ball rolling on my tax return. Either that or try my hand at extreme couponing... Until then, I am going to postpone my panic with procrastination (this is the "keep calm" part of the solution) and enjoy a few more episodes of Arrested Development while feasting on girl scout cookies. (Mmm.. samoas.)

I know exactly how you feel, random google image of a person paying bills.. 

Admission Mission: COMPLETE.

The Super Bowl has come and gone and life in Indy has returned to normal. Although I did not get to join in as many festivities as I would have liked (aka - the zipline was sold out... BOO.), I am very proud to say that I accomplished my main goal of the event: I got into a party where the cover charge was $2,000.... and I got in for FREE. What happened after that is completely uneventful and not even worth writing about, but the main point is that I got in. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Other than the party admission, things have pretty much remained status quo. I am still debating travel nursing and I am still not a winter person. (Nor will I ever be.) Guess, that's it really. My life is rather uneventful at the moment... except for the fact that I am the worst parker in the world and my car is now missing a hefty chunk of paint and metal... but unfortunately, this kind of falls under that "status quo" column.. (Sometimes, I seriously wonder how I still have a license to drive......) 

Raleigh and I mildly enjoying the Maxim party... 

** Many thanks to the people who turned my party admission mission into a reality! I owe you. **